After an Exorcism

Note: this piece is a direct continuation of the previous pieces, “Preparing for an Exorcism” and “Experiencing an Exorcism”. You are highly encouraged to read those pieces before this one, if you haven’t already:

Preparing for an Exorcism

As 2024 moved in to 2025, I was house-sitting for my personal mentor David Cordes while he was in Poland. With just two dogs and two cats to keep me company as Jan…

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Experiencing an Exorcism

Note: this piece is a direct continuation of a previous piece, “Preparing for an Exorcism”. You are highly encouraged to read this piece before this one, if you haven’t already:

Tom ShawTom Shaw

My mind felt incredibly clear following my exorcism… and my body was yet to catch up. I was so light in my head, without the endlessly-echoing negative thoughts reverberating, like I’d acquired a few layers of soundproofing… and my body was incredibly heavy, as if I was feeling the weight of the grief and sadness behind everything that I’d been led to believe about myself for the first time.

I stayed up for a few more hours talking with everyone who had been involved in my process. One participant, who had sat outside the yoga shala to keep guard in the latter portion of my process, reported that the darkness got visibly closer every time my body made a struggled noise. This is also the time I learnt a lot of details I shared earlier in this story.

I slept very well that night and don’t recall having any dreams in particular. I made sure to finish up thanking everyone I hadn’t seen yet since my exorcism, and almost all made a a comment about how much “lighter” I seemed. I certainly felt that way, moreso than I could remember for the longest time. I definitely have a memory of that demon being present in me during primary school (about 6 or 7 years old), and it may have even come to me before then. And because it’s been in me so long, it was perhaps no surprise that my body was still catching up to that not being there, and still feeling a lot of sluggishness. Even as I write this some time later, the core of my being is still uncomfortable - not from dread or fear or from being sapped energetically, but from simply trying to re-calibrate and un-learn the conditioned behaviours and feelings I acquired from being inhabited. In time, I know I can re-solve that, precisely through many of the techniques and tools I learnt from the very community that I was on retreat with, where before I was blocked from ever truly “getting it”.

I was honoured to be invited by Aliya, who had curated the altar through the event, to work together on re-establishing its form and significance in a new way. She came to me with the idea of creating an eagle - something that felt intuitively right. We set about creating a white eagle with black and gold-tipped wings out of beans and corn kernels. This was complemented with flowers and rocks to round out the corners, and a polished piece of jade in the heart of the eagle. This last piece was significant; Aliya had purchased two identically-shaped pieces of jade prior of my exorcism with the intention of me and her working with them before my process. However, on arriving back at the property, she dropped one on the floor - it broke into several pieces. She said she’d had a vision about this happening as she was driving back, that she was hoping would not manifest in reality… And yet, this was perfect - the altar during my exorcism had featured the broken piece of jade, and now here was the altar with a piece of jade made whole. It was symbolic, and as if that was exactly how it was meant to happen. Aliya gifted me the whole piece of jade at the end of the retreat, and it is something that I still carry with me wherever I go.

With the new altar established, we closed my process with a poem that immediately came to mind when Aliya suggested incorporating the eagle: Immotus, which I had scheduled in advance to go out via Substack and which I’d felt called to include the visual of an eagle along with that poem. This ended with me repeating the final few lines as an affirmation to myself - something I absolutely needed to begin closing this process off for me.

Immotus

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The true end to this process, however, came in the breathwork exercise we did later in the day, led by Aliya. Following some more intense breathing practises, we had a long period of rest in which I really tuned in to how my body was doing after many years of harbouring a demon. I was exhausted - and why wouldn’t I be?

It was as my grief was really coming up to the surface that I began to see angels. The first one came to hold my face, and I was gifted with experiencing every moment moment of joy through time where two souls looked upon each other with love and comfort, from lovers to families to pets and beyond. Gradually, I had other angels come with their hands along my arms and legs, reminiscent of a moment I had during the exorcism itself, and I knew in that moment that I was being supported on a higher level to learn what it is to be fully embodied in my existence now that this demon was no longer occupying that. It was comforting, and still is comforting now. I remained there for some time, even after the other participants had finished their practise, and took time to let everything settle as it needed to.

That was the true conclusion of my exorcism, and the beginning of learning how to navigate this world with fresh sight.

It’s hard to know where to begin when exploring everything I feel now about this experience. It felt clear to me that this was not the last time I would encounter a force like this anywhere with the world - and the other facilitators felt this much about themselves in their own life too. I go back to what Christ said to me (“the world will become a darker place”) and wonder whether part of my life’s journey is to know what it’s like to harbour a demon for so long so that I can help others get rid of theirs, especially with an increasing awareness of the amount of evil happening in the world today.

With this, I’m finding a much greater sense of trust that, even if others are set to experience hardship, difficult times, and the presence of “evil”, that light and truth will ultimately win out. Even in my personal life, I don’t have to risk keeping things from people out of a fear of causing people discomfort - they will find their way to healing and to what they need. I’ve already done a lot of work with this “people pleaser” persona, and now it feels like I can readdress this coping mechanism in much more tangible ways now there is no demon intent on undoing any progress I make.

My Marionette

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Initially, I was surprised that this experience hasn’t shifted my conception of God and religion in a way I thought it could have done. On reflection, I realised it didn’t need to: I was very happy with my conception of God, Christ, angels, and the validity of their “existence” well before going into this experience, and this was really just an affirmation for me that I’m on the right track with how I square those experiences with what I feel to be true about many native, indigenous, spiritual and other religious traditions. All of these are part of one great tapestry of comprehending how the divine - a being not governed by time - chooses to operate in a world that is subject to it.

I know I have a very specific role to play in that tapestry, even if all the details are not immediately clear to me at this moment. The work I am doing with poetry and narrative is naturally bringing me to the people I need to in order to share the experience of re-connection with soul. There is something greater on the horizon for all of us, with many civilisation and cosmic timelines coming to an end within the next few years. This experience is helping me to feel honoured by the fact that I get to be involved in such an important moment and learning experience for myself, for the greater consciousness, for those who come after me, and beyond.

And with that, it’s time I get back to writing some poetry.

When I set out to write this series of three pieces, I had no interest in how it was going to be perceived by others who have been following my work for some time. It is simply a story I knew I needed telling as part of my coming to terms with what happened to me. I’m keen to hear how it’s landed with you, whether its sits comfortably with you or not.

Thank you all for making the time to read this piece. I look forward to sharing more poetry (and beyond) with you soon.

With gratitude,

Tom